I wish I could count how many questions I’ve been asked about Alaska. Now, I will say that some of them have been constructive, and genuinely inquisitive. Those are the types of questions that I really don’t mind answering. In time, with question frequency, coupled with any submissions or comments, I’ll add on a section to this page answering from the perspective of somebody who actually was born and raised there. This page, however, is my contribution of answers to questions that should have never been dignified with an answer to begin with. I’m an Alaskan, not an Alien.
Q: Did you live in an igloo?
A: Oh, of course. We all do. The concept of “construction companies” was never established in Alaska. Ever. Don’t even get me started on how many times I was electrocuted by plugging my laptop in!
Q: Was it cold?
A: No, it was like being in the Bahamas in May. Every day.
Q: Do polar bears walk in the streets?
A: Polar bears are our equivalent of horses. I used to ride one named Bubba to and from school every day.
Q: Did you go swimming outside?
A: “Swimming”?
Q: Do you have some duct tape I could use?
A: Oh, I’m sorry. I actually just ran out. I was using it to build my igloo.
Q: Did y’all have dogs to pull your sleds?
A: Well, the lower class Alaskans use dog sleds. The Elite Alaskans ride polar bears.
Q: What does whale blubber taste like?
A: I’ve tried whale blubber. Imagine opening a can of Crisco, dipping that Crisco in another can of Crisco, then frying the Crisco blob in a vat of melted Crisco. Add a pinch of salt, and that’s similar to what whale blubber tastes like.
Q: How did you have internet?
A: We communicated via soup cans and string.
Q: Did you have like… Actual stores?
A: A true Alaskan lives off of the land. And only the land.
Q: Are there any black people in Alaska?
A: No, we wiped out an entire race of people just because…… ‘Are there any’.. Go away.
Q: Did you know Sarah Palin?
A: I knew of Sarah, and I’d met her several times at school events, and play-dates with friends. That’s what you get from living in a small town. I went to school, and was good friends with her niece from 6th to 8th grade. But, I knew her when she was just a local fool, instead of a national laughingstock.
Q: How do I protect myself from vampires when Alaska has an extended period of darkness?
A: We’re used to the dark, and you tourists are not. Perfect hunting time. There is no hope.
Q: Just HOW bad are the mosquitos?
A: Mosquitos are Alaska’s State Bird. ‘Nuff said.
Q: What language do Alaskans speak?
A: There isn’t a set language. We just kind of grunt and flail at each other until we get our message across.
Q: How many alien abductions happen there?
A: …. Let me put it this way.. Area 51 isn’t in Nevada.
Q: Why is Alaska so cold if it’s right next to Hawaii?
A: I can’t even..
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